Spring has sprung and so have my relationships

While interacting with family, friends, acquaintances, attendants and others, I have come to learn much about relating to people on different levels, and how my disability affects my various relationships. That’s why for this edition of Wheels in the City I’ve decided to focus on friendship, and how physical challenges may hinder quality friendships. I plan to follow it up with a complimentary column on romance, and how disability may affect the dynamics of starry-eyed discourse, but for now back to friendship.

Wheels are not required for a quality friendship. In fact having wheels in common doesn’t necessarily mean two people will identify on any other level. It’s possible for a friendship to grow between any two people whether they use four wheels or two feet to get around. To do this however, it is important to stay on a field of mutual respect, by avoiding what I like to call “pesky pity” and “the excess effort weed.” Trust me these two relational shifts are capable of destroying quality friendships, or changing them into something completely unsociable.

Pesky pity may exert its irritating effects when friends, who are more physically able than you, help out with tasks that they take for granted. This trap is easy to fall into because your friend may have no problem helping you out, but suddenly they are taking care of you more than they are being your friend. Before you know it your friendship resembles more of a parent-child relationship than it does a bond of mutual respect.

How to Avoid a Pity-Full Relationship

To avoid a shift into the realm of pity, remain as independent as possible. If you find that your needs are in excess of your capabilities, make a point of relying on caregivers more than friends for assistance. This way your able-bodied friends are likely to view you as an autonomous equal; rather than pity you as a helpless dependant.

The excess effort weed often chokes out quality friendships when friends become attendants. This arrangement may be beneficial as it’s practical and convenient, however there are dangers. First, friends who become attendants are suddenly expected to exert excess effort, and much of the time spent with you becomes work rather than friendship. Secondly, when a paid attendant becomes a close friend it may be hard to enforce compliance with expectations you hold for other attendants who are not so close.

How to Avoid a Weedy Overgrowth

The problem with having friends cross the line to attendants (or vice versa), is that it is difficult to separate work from friendship thereby making them more likely to continue to assist you even when they’re not working. Suddenly they equate hanging out with you to labour, and as a result the mutual respect between you diminishes.

For quality friendship with a solid foundation and mutual respect, remember that friends are not the same as attendants; and attendants are not the same as close friends. Avoid the pesky pity and the excess effort weed by keeping steady ground on your own two wheels…and remember to keep on rolling in the city.

~ Chantal